Finding What We Seek

I find it interesting how an offhanded remark can revisit my mind for years, while a discussion of much more importance can quickly vanish from it, seemingly without a trace. Years ago, while I was attending a classy evening affair featuring cocktails, dinner and dancing, one of several young women sitting at my table jokingly announced, “That will be us one day.”   She said it while observing two much older ladies delightfully enjoying a waltz with one another on the dance floor.  You get the visual:  the young women were stylish, coiffed and escorted by handsome men donned in tuxedos.  The older ones?   Not.  The comment haunted me for several decades.   

For years, I worried.  Would that, indeed, be me one day?  Gray hair, wrinkled skin, sagging bosom, nylon stockings rolled just above the knee so that bare skin shows when my dress rides up and gets stuck in the waistband of my underpants.   Perhaps it was the part about the men, or lack thereof that got to me the most.  It could have been the older women just gave up on asking their husbands to accompany them, but chances are there simply were no men around with whom they might dance.  Mortality statistics tell us that men die earlier than women, and the gender imbalance increases with age.  Working among the 65+ crowd, I see it every day.  A woman facing life alone following the death of her husband.  In itself, that is not astonishing.  The grace with which many of them do so is. 

 

Psychological studies show happiness is not a product of the events in our lives, but of our response to those events.  It doesn’t matter if we’re wealthy, educated, young or old, single or married.  These studies tell us that happiness depends on facing life, no matter what comes at us, with a positive attitude. Smile a lot, remember the good things and enjoy the moment are among other prevailing strategies in almost all studies of happiness.  I found the generalized happiness information in the form of a pamphlet.  It was directed toward incoming freshmen at a university campus mental health fair.

Interestingly enough, many older ladies, especially the ones you might see dancing with one another, seem to get it, even without the benefit of a college education.  Some of them were children during the Great Depression and came of age during World War II.   For others who came later, it was the Korean War.   Journalist Tom Brokaw, calls them in his book of the same name, “The Greatest Generation.”   They faced rough times, worked hard and lived productive lives.  Now, in their later years, they take time to smile, remember the good things and enjoy the moment, even if that means dancing with your “lady friend” as my grandmother was in the habit of saying.   I see a lot of that these days.  Ladies who can barely stand without a cane, patiently waiting their turn to dance with the female activities director at the assisted living center.  She prefers they dance with her, rather than each other to offset the likelihood of someone taking a tumble.    

Cheek to Cheek was written by Irving Berlin for the 1935 film classic Top Hat featuring the dancing team of Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.   In attempting to win her heart, Fred’s character croons to Ginger’s, “and I seem to find the happiness I seek … while we’re out together dancing … cheek to cheek.”  Perhaps that’s where the grace comes in, finding the happiness we seek wherever it might be. 

As I get older, I try to worry less about my autumn years, and pay more attention to the lessons I can learn from those who are already there.  At times, I even find myself making mental notes, remember not to act crabby like so and so, be pleasant like her sister  …  By the way, if you pass by me on the dance floor thirty years from now while I’m dancing with my lady friend, will you give the back of my dress a little yank?

Copyright © 2011 by Carol M.W. Bagazinski – All Rights Reserved.