What We Live For In a World Without Do-Overs ...

Call it what you like.  Fate, providence or destiny.  I prefer serendipity - those times when life events come together to declare the world is as it should be.  So often, daily occurrences seem to have no rhyme or reason.  Give me something to make sense of my world. Serendipity does.  It provides comfort to my soul, and compares to the feeling I get when wrapped in the warm embrace of someone I love. 

I experienced a serendipitous few days when three seemingly unrelated events occurred this past week:  the distribution of my son’s high school yearbook; an article about regrets, and a funeral.  If each event had happened independent of the others, their impact on my life would not have been as significant as all three happening within a very short time frame. 

It may be easy to surmise why an article about regrets relates to a funeral, but what about the yearbook?  Yearbooks commemorate the past school year, generally covering a wide range of topics including academics, student life, sports and other major school events.  Oftentimes, they also include, much to the chagrin of this former yearbook editor, a section for those who were voted “class celebrities” by their peers.  This section includes photos of those most likely to succeed, cutest couple, class clowns, most spirited, etc. I have always had a problem with featuring the mock election results because I think a yearbook should represent all students, not highlight the popular few.

In this case, the yearbook staff understood that and nailed it. While they included the results of the mock election inside, on the cover, in red overlay are the words What We Live For.  At first, I thought it was a stock cover they ordered from the publisher.  Not so.  The words and phrases peeking out from beneath the over-lay were actual student responses when asked what they live for.  Learning this, I spent a half hour reading the cover before I even cracked open the book.   Sometimes younger folks provide profound moral insight beyond their years. This is one of those times.

Of course, every sport imaginable was there, as were many simple things that provide daily pleasure.  Things like peanut butter and jelly, French silk pie, coffee, dogs, cats, fashion, music, late summer walks, laughter and popcorn.  Some responses, however, were much deeper. They were notions such as faith, the greater good, being as happy as I can be, love, my family, my passions, a friend’s smile and my dreams.  Then there was one that jumped off the page at me, living life with no regrets.  Didn’t I just read something about that?  I did.

In her book Regrets of the Dying, Bronnie Ware, a long-time palliative care professional, writes about the common themes that surface when the dying speak of their regrets.   In her blog (www.inspirationandchai.com), Ware lists the five most common do-overs people would choose if they had a chance.  They are:  to have the courage to live a life true to myself, not what others expected of me; to not work so hard; to have the courage to express my feelings; to have stayed in touch with my friends and, to let myself be happier. 

Ware said the most common regret of all was not living a life true to one’s self, and the realization that it all came down to the choices they had made.  Choice.  Did I mention that was on the cover too?

A few days ago, I attended the funeral of a friend’s father, a man I barely knew.  The eulogy was delivered by his pastor, a man who knew him well.  The pastor spoke of the choices the man had made throughout his life.  Good choices.  Choices a man would never regret.  Absolute love and devotion to his soul mate – a woman he was married to for almost 60 years – and his children, as well as their families and spouses.    He surrounded himself with friends, as was evident by the number of older men in attendance.  He was a man of faith and remained true to it until his final breath.  Indicative of his belief in serving the greater good, he received veteran’s honors at his funeral.  One of the man’s most significant traits was his genuine display of happiness. He smiled all the time.

Feeling the serendipity yet?   We know what we live for.  Some of us even have the luxury of having it printed on a book cover for perpetuity.  The key is making the choice to remain true to ourselves.  High school students take heed.  May you rest in peace Charlie.  You showed us how to do it right.  

Copyright 2013 Carol M.W. Bagazinski.  All rights reserved.

Priceless Giving ...

Although they weren’t clad in matching flashy ensembles, the Motown choreography was unmistakable.  David Ruffin, who sang lead for My Girl, must have been smiling down from Heaven, content this time to be singing back-up from a small radio in the community room of a memory care facility.  An elderly man who holds a PhD in physics, and who more closely resembles the late children’s program host Mr. Rogers than one of the Temptations, was sharing the song, a dance and pure bliss with a young African-American woman who according to statistics, earns less than 65 percent of an average U.S. worker's salary. 

Just a few minutes earlier, the elderly man had to be physically restrained by two male attendants to keep him out of harm’s way.  In an effort to calm him, the quick thinking aide flipped on some music, moved a few chairs, and took him to a happy place just a couple steps away.  Each day, the aide and others like her, offer kindness and consideration to those they serve, often returning distressed residents to a state of mental calm and serenity.   Their actions, though treasured gifts, often go unrecognized.    

Last month, U.S. consumers spent $52.4 billion shopping at malls and on-line during the Thanksgiving weekend preparing for Christmas.   I wasn’t among them.  Crowds aren’t my thing.  Besides, I’ve been trying to think outside the box, or shopping bag as the case may be, in terms of holiday gift giving this year.  This may come as unwelcome news to my 12 year-old son who has been requesting an “X Box” game system for the past six months.  To him, thinking outside the box is seemingly an impossible task, not just an idiom describing a more creative approach to problem solving.  While he is very vocal about exactly what it is his heart desires, most who share my world are not. 

Still, I remain hopeful that it will not come down to wandering aimlessly around department stores in search of random gifts during the next few weeks.  This year, I have been fortunate to witness many gift exchanges, such as the song and dance, that did not involve a paper receipt. While they might not have been pre-planned, there was nothing hit or miss about them.  I’m hoping they inspire me to be more creative with my offerings this holiday season.  Gifts given with nothing expected in return, but perhaps a few minutes of joy for the recipients who live their lives moment by moment as that is all their minds allow.  Gifts offered by caregivers, who indeed understand it is better to give, than to receive.  

Another day I arrived at the memory care unit noticing many of the female residents wearing beautiful scarves around their necks.   The scarves were all different – chiffon, silk, knitted – and few of them matched the accompanying outfits.  During lunch I overheard several of the residents, who rarely converse with one another, commenting on how lovely they all looked.  Knowing these women are not able to dress themselves, I inquired about their fancy attire.  The supervisor told me the aide who dressed them that morning tries to do something each day to make the residents in her care feel special.  That particular morning she decided it was pretty scarves.  Delightful inspiration:  doing something extra that makes someone feel special. 

A few months ago, a client who has Alzheimer’s disease required a hospital stay.   She was sick, alone and very frightened.  Knowing I could not be there around the clock as a parent might be with a small child, I picked up a teddy bear, a little ball that when squeezed changed colors, and a plastic slinky at the local dollar store.  I hoped these items would give her something to focus on, helping to keep her fears at bay.  As it turned out, I could have saved myself $2.12 because the teddy bear was the only thing that caught her interest.   The nurse was amazed by the change in her patient’s demeanor as she clutched the small bear and cheerfully chatted away at her new inanimate companion.  

The next morning I noticed the small dollar store bear was nowhere to be found.  In its place, however, was a much larger bear.  The same nurse from the day before walked in the room and said, “Oh, I hope you don’t mind, but the other bear must have been taken with the laundry so I ran down to the gift shop during my break and gave her this one.”  A medical professional who understands there’s so much more to making your patient feel better than pharmaceuticals.  What a gift!

Yes, I’ve learned a lot about gift giving during the past few months.  This year, amid all the holiday hoopla, I have added the following items to my Christmas shopping list:  kindness and consideration; doing something extra; and a small empathetic gesture.  They can’t be found at the local mall, but they will most likely be the most treasured presents I offer this season.  What do I want?  What more can I ask for?  I’ve got sunshine on a cloudy day …When it’s cold outside, I’ve got the month of May …

Copyright ©2011 by Carol M.W. Bagazinski – All Rights Reserved.